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the prodigal blogger

Damn this site's been changed around. I feel like I did on Friday, when I walked into my local Stop and Shop to find it half-remodeled and half in disarray. I suppose at any second I will start wandering around LJ muttering angrily about where the ketchup has run off to.

So I have not written here in an eon and a half. I can blame this 30% on it being summer and therefore hella busy; 40% on Facebook for its time-sucking capabilities and its tempting ease of pseudo-communication with 200+ people, many I hardy know anymore; and the last 30%... well.

(Get ready for a minor tidal wave of pent-up self-centered drama, kids!)

That's probably do to the fact that when I do have some free time, I have been loathe to return here. Mainly because I feel guilty about not being here (a cycle that obviously gets worse as more time passes) and partly because sometimes I just don't know what I would say, or if what I'd say would make any sense, or if what I'd say is worth bothering anyone else with.

It's all rather hard to explain. Most of the time I feel pretty normal, pretty happy. but there are times I just don't know what to do with myself, or anything else. But mostly myself. I have an overactive imagination which, on a bad day, can drive me mad. I have this really nasty habit of picturing the worst scenarios so vividly I half convince myself they will happen (or even have happened.) And though this does not happen often I worry how it will ultimately affect me and my relationships with others.

I am not strong. I can handle organizational stress with aplomb but crumple into a crying mess under emotional stress. I am not strong when others need me to be. I am often worried I am going to fail someone important to me.

Sometimes I feel like life will overwhelm me, and I feel guilty because, dammit, I have so much going for me. I'm supposed to be happy. And a lot of times I am. But when I'm not... I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me?

But when I am feeling like this, it's good to think of the good things in my life that keep me going, that make things more than worthwhile. Singing along to a good song in the car. A funny conversation with my coworkers. A good friend to laugh with over coffee and to find the humor with in even the crappiest situations. A beautiful sunset. An embrace from my mother. Some delicious Thai food. My boyfriend reaching out to take my hand.

These reasons and more are why, despite everything I, my own worst enemy, dish out at myself, I stubbornly remain happy to be alive.

Comments

hurdle1gal
Aug. 2nd, 2010 05:46 pm (UTC)
Guess what honey.

You're not the only one who is their own worst enemy.

Take me for example: I have, on a few occasions, not blogged in here for a span of a few months. I am almost always in continous doubt of what my abilities are, even though my work place seems to think I can handle almost anything they toss at me. While I may not have posted much about it in the last few weeks, I was at near mental breakdown levels due to lack of sleep and from excessive worry about how my work site is going to function and figuring out what the hell to do. And yes, even though I am happily married, I too have questioned as to why don't I seem as happy as my wonderful husband.

I am glad you have come back in here to post. Feel free to vent in here. I know this is sometimes the only way for the little voices in my head to shut up since it is the only way to let them out of my psyche.

((((hugs))))
vireo_blues
Aug. 4th, 2010 01:51 am (UTC)
Thanks, I know I'm definitely not alone. I think a lot of people are their own worst enemies - though not all might realize it hehe.

This is a good place to vent, hopefully I will have a lot more than just that to say though! Thanks for your support!