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Thoughts on a Car Accident

So it's probably about time I write about this. And as much as I want to get back to life as normal and put this behind me, I still have to acknowledge it happened. And that I now have some limitations, and some new ways to look at life.

I just tried to find any articles on what happened, and failed. I do not remember what happened (probably from all the drugs I was on in the hospital, I cannot recall anything from the night before the accident until a week or so after.) People tell me I am lucky for not remembering it. Probably lucky too that I do not remember much about the subsequent hospital stay, because it sounds like it was a scary time for my friends and family.

It happened on Columbus Day weekend (damn you Columbus), and I was heading to work on Sunday morning because I had signed up for SMA coverage, SMA being our biggest volume test. Basically, this is what I know from what others told me: I pulled over on the northbound side of 395, between exits 4 and 5 in Oxford. We do not know why I pulled over; I must've thought something was wrong with my tire because I got out of my car and was walking toward the back of it. A guy in a pickup hauling an attached trailer put on his blinker and slowed , pulling over to see if I needed help. A woman driving a minivan was behind him, and according to her accident report, instead of braking when she saw the guy slowing, she looked to see if she could get into the other lane. When she looked back, she was hitting his trailer, which came loose and hit me.

They believe that when the trailer hit me, my head snapped forward and smacked into it, causing the brain trauma and the big cut in my face.Surprisingly, other than some nasty bruising, I was otherwise unharmed. But the blow to my head was almost enough to do me in.

Almost but not quite apparently.

I received a call from a paramedic that wanted to nominate another paramedic, an off-duty firefighter, who was the first responder, for the Central Mass Paramedic of the Year award, or something. I am a bit biased, obviously, but I hope he gets it, because his actions at the scene probably saved my life. Also I might get to meet him and go to the award ceremony. More on that when it happens. I am sure I will be an emotional mess!

People have told me that someone must have been watching over me that day. I am not a very religious person, but I can't help but feel that my memere was watching out for me that day.

I was in the ICU for a week or so, and them Fairlawn Rehab until November 8th, where I got back my speech and got some skills back too. For a long time I was in a wheelchair, then a walker, then a cane. Now I am ambling about without those things thankfully. That cane likes to fall over and scare the shit out of everyone when I'm not using it.

My vision is finally getting back to normal, still not perfect but focusing a lot better trust me. For a while my right eye did not want to open, and when it did it was angling off to the side. I had damage to what they call the 3rd nerve, and luckily as the eye doc told me, if it starts healing it heals completely. Sometimes it does not heal at all. So there's another way that I've been lucky.

The coordination in my left arm was lost after the accident but it's coming back pretty good. I've been told it'll be the slowest to come back, so I just need to keep exercising it and be patient. As you can see from all this blabbing, my typing is coming back ok!

So after Fairlawn I lived with my parents in Pembroke, NH. Really, my mother, because my dad was still living in and working at the store (which they finally sold in December!) There I had therapy and continued to get better in lots of ways. Once my vision got good enough i practiced driving. My car, by the way, is back from the body shop and is fine. It made out a lot better than I did! Now I am back home in Oxford, and very happy to once again be in my own space, surrounded by my own things.

I do feel like I survived for a reason, and that I'm meant to do something great, though I'm not sure what yet. That's a self-centered thing to say; as much as my fortune cookie says otherwise, I'm not the lucky chosen one! But I can't help but feel that in some ways I am. I do not know what life has in store for me, but I will do my best not to take anything for granted again. There are a lot of things I want to do, and I do not know where to start. But I am a strong believer in unconventional routes to happiness, and I will find it some day. Now I am happy being surrounded by the awesome people I am lucky to call friends and family.

the prodigal blogger

Damn this site's been changed around. I feel like I did on Friday, when I walked into my local Stop and Shop to find it half-remodeled and half in disarray. I suppose at any second I will start wandering around LJ muttering angrily about where the ketchup has run off to.

So I have not written here in an eon and a half. I can blame this 30% on it being summer and therefore hella busy; 40% on Facebook for its time-sucking capabilities and its tempting ease of pseudo-communication with 200+ people, many I hardy know anymore; and the last 30%... well.

(Get ready for a minor tidal wave of pent-up self-centered drama, kids!)

That's probably do to the fact that when I do have some free time, I have been loathe to return here. Mainly because I feel guilty about not being here (a cycle that obviously gets worse as more time passes) and partly because sometimes I just don't know what I would say, or if what I'd say would make any sense, or if what I'd say is worth bothering anyone else with.

It's all rather hard to explain. Most of the time I feel pretty normal, pretty happy. but there are times I just don't know what to do with myself, or anything else. But mostly myself. I have an overactive imagination which, on a bad day, can drive me mad. I have this really nasty habit of picturing the worst scenarios so vividly I half convince myself they will happen (or even have happened.) And though this does not happen often I worry how it will ultimately affect me and my relationships with others.

I am not strong. I can handle organizational stress with aplomb but crumple into a crying mess under emotional stress. I am not strong when others need me to be. I am often worried I am going to fail someone important to me.

Sometimes I feel like life will overwhelm me, and I feel guilty because, dammit, I have so much going for me. I'm supposed to be happy. And a lot of times I am. But when I'm not... I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me?

But when I am feeling like this, it's good to think of the good things in my life that keep me going, that make things more than worthwhile. Singing along to a good song in the car. A funny conversation with my coworkers. A good friend to laugh with over coffee and to find the humor with in even the crappiest situations. A beautiful sunset. An embrace from my mother. Some delicious Thai food. My boyfriend reaching out to take my hand.

These reasons and more are why, despite everything I, my own worst enemy, dish out at myself, I stubbornly remain happy to be alive.


I'm back from vacation and ready to kick some ass and take some names around here!

Or around somewhere!


Writer's Block: My word

If you could have the writing ability of one author, who would you choose, and why? Would you exchange writing styles permanently?

Well my first thought was "Douglas Adams!" because his books are so damn funny, and I'd love to be able to infuse so much humor into a novel. But then I realize that he was also notoriously bad at motivating himself to finish anything - which is one reason why he wrote so few books in his 49 years. So instead I will take Terry Pratchett, because he is also funny and has written a ton!

Though... the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing: I don't really need help being funny, I need help writing a good plot! With characters that are so good that you love them, and when bad things happen to them you want to cry. So maybe instead I will channel Jacqueline Carey, or even David Brin.

Exchange permanently? Doesn't seem very fair to them, does it? I suppose I will continue to pretend to develop my own style, and finish that damn NaNoWriMo book someday!!

525,600 minutes

525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?

--from the musical Rent, which I still love even if it is cheesy as all hell.

One year ago, at this very moment, I was sitting in front of HoneyDew Donuts with that nectar of the gods, an iced Mocha Madness, in one hand and my cellphone in the other. I was as giddy as a little schoolgirl, and also ridiculously nervous - really, it's not like it was going to be a date with someone I didn't know! And yet I think that made it all the worse - I really hoped I wouldn't be letting down a very good friend of mine. So I did what I always do when I feel the need to babble out at someone - I called my mom.

And my mom, as usual, was full of some very sage advice, some extremely corny jokes, and the somewhat awkward pronouncement of "You're a big girl, now."

One year ago today, Dave and I had our first date. It constituted of a good amount of shopping; Dave was amazed at the vastness of Wrentham Outlet, where he bought a sweet wool coat that he still wears today. I bought some sneakers that I also still wear, but being from Payless, they're looking pretty sad by now. Then he made me Hamburger Helper for dinner, and we watched a really good movie called "Outsourced."

And of course, I was still nervous as all hell! It got the the point where I believe I made myself a little ill. But I was a lot more relaxed on our second date, and then things went upward from there.

How does one measure a year? An awful lot has happened to me since then - a promotion, meeting my biological father, several road trips and concerts and games. I know times have been very tough for a lot of people, and therefore I always feel very guilty talking about how happy I've been. But today I will, because it's mainly thanks to a wonderful, funny, sweet, supportive, loving guy, whom I'm about to go Sunday Morning Bowling with.

It doesn't even seem like a year! But it's been the best time of my life, I can tell you that!


On the bandwagon

Stacey's Dewey Decimal Section:

895 Literatures of East & Southeast Asia

Stacey's birthday: 9/11/1984 = 911+1984 = 2895

800 Literature

Literature, criticism, analysis of classic writing and mythology.

What it says about you:
You're a global, worldly person who wants to make a big impact with your actions. You have a lot to tell people and you're good at making unique observations about everyday experiences. You can notice and remember details that other people think aren't important.

Find your Dewey Decimal Section at Spacefem.com

My FAQ's

It's been a little while since I've been writing here, and I really kinda miss it! So to transition, here is some fluff: questions people frequently ask me. I did not supply answers to most of them; feel free to guess at what the answer is, if you like!

  1. Where do you work?
  2. Worcester? That's pretty far, isn't it?
  3. Do you get a lot of snow up there?
  4. Are you a piano teacher?
  5. Do you cook?
  6. How much is your rent?
  7. Where does your boyfriend live?
  8. Groton? That's pretty far, isn't it?
  9. Does he work on the submarines?
  10. Can you test me for Alzheimer's?
  11. Do you ski Sunday River?
  12. Have you heard from (insert friend here) lately?
  13. What day is it?
  14. When are we going to lunch?
  15. Where do your parents live?
  16. Past the Notch? That's pretty far, isn't it?
  17. Do they get a lot of snow up there?
  18. Are they near (insert NH tourist attraction here)?
  19. What breed of dog is Sage?
  20. Have you ever been to Italy?
  21. How the hell does your friend Breena afford to travel so much?
  22. Are we talking about your biological father, or your dad?
  23. What the hell is the name of the town your parents live in, again?
  24. Where do you live?
  25. Woonsocket? That's pretty far, isn't it?

Can't Stop the Day

I've been meaning to write for quite a while... about how 2009 went, and what my hopes were for 2010, and all the crap I've been up to, etc, etc, etc. But I hadn't found the time, and now I have other things on my mind...

An interchange at work yesterday, which was some ways amusing and in other ways poignant:

Nick: Today's going to be a good day. I am just going to keep telling myself that. Today's a good day... dammit.
Me: You better be good, Day, or I'm going to kick your ass! I know where you live!
Nick: Where does the day live?
Me: ...Everywhere. That's why it's easy to beat up.
Nick: No, that mean's it's fricken huge, and is going to kick our asses. No matter what you do, you can't stop the day.

...No matter what you do, you can't stop a whole lot of things.

It's funny, I'm not sure why I thought it would get easier to deal with loss, the more it's happened. It never gets easier. On Monday, Dave lost a very important part of his life, a warm, furry companion and a source of unconditional love. There is nothing one can say or do to make this better - the only thing that can make things better is time.

Hopefully the rest of this week - and this year - brings better things.

Is this thing on?

So it looks like I'm not finishing NaNoWriMo.

But, but! There's still like 29 hours left! And you ONLY have 18,500 words to go!

Yes, but, reality has weighed in that I am tired, and that there's work tomorrow, and I've been pushing myself pretty hard all month and I feel rather worn out. I mean, damn, a lot's happened this month, to me and to people I know! I just got back from a 4-day free-for-all in Northern NH, where winter decided to visit early and kicked out almost a foot of snow. This left my Saturn struggling up a seemingly endless slope, which we finally conquered, only to get stuck in traffic caused by an accident, only to finally get home and watch the lights flicker until power finally gave up the ghost around 8. (And all our Farmville strawberries withered - the travesty!)

What I did accomplish, this Novel Writing Month - is the start of something that I hope will be good. And I do intend to finish it - I am giving myself the goal of writing another 25k words a month until the first draft is done. And while a lot of what I've written is crappy, I think there's quite a few good parts too, and overall it's a silly plot but it has potential. So, I will continue on! And one day I will have something to show for it!


Help me write a 'book!" Take 2

Hi Guys,

I'm nowhere near the second part of my novel yet but I need some ideas for it, namely, places.

I need a whole bunch of places, anywhere in the world!

Where would you like to spend one day, anywhere in the world, that you could?

Where would it really suck to spend one day?

Where would it be interesting or exciting (in a possibly dangerous way) to spend one day?

I guess I am looking for wacky places, busy places, poverty-stricken places, beautiful places, harsh places, remote places... anywhere really. I've already got a few in mind but I could use many more!

Thanks guys!